i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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