yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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