great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
