My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
