I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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