dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
