i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
