Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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