If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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