It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
