How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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