I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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