im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
