he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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