if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Everyone says I win the strip club
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
