Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
