I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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