How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
