; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
