I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
