Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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