You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
