shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
