Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
