I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
