I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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