she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
