nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
