every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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