thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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