upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
