Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
