Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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