i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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