I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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