she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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