so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
