Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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