My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
