I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
