hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
