Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
