just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
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