She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
