why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
