i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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