I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize