was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize