The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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