Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
why do cheetos always look like penises
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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