i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
