my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
