it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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