omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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