How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
