Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
