I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
