is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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