I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
