He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
