he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
