she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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