I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
