I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
