when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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