WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
high people should be assigned attendants
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Boobs are out for the taking
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
