guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
