There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I would ride that face into the sunset
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
